Since November, I am now REQUIRED to talk to you EVERY night at 8:00PM.  Sometimes the time changes, but I have spoken to you every day, without interruption.  I capitalize REQUIRED, almost as a joke, because I LOVE the calls and love the uninterrupted time I get with you.  Most of the time, it is uninterrupted.

I had another amazing conversation with my you on Sunday, February 24th, 2019. The wonderful second judge in our court case mandated that whoever doesn’t have the child is required to talk to her for 30 minutes every night. So we have some great conversations, and I’m continually blown away by the emotional maturity of McKenna. I’m so honored that she confides in me whatever she is thinking and whatever may bother her and anything that keeps her from being happy.

Tonight, after chatting about her weekend for a bit, she said, “Daddy, I need to talk about something.” I said, “Of course! What is it?” She said, “On Sunday nights, I get a weird feeling.”

I said, “Is it a sad feeling?” She said, “Yeah.”

That reminded me of a term that I coined over 30 years ago. Shortly after college, while living by myself in Cincinnati, I started to experience a weekly melancholy. As a mid-twenty, single male, most weekends I would be out on Friday and Saturday nights and and stay out late. I had a lot of friends, and a lot of fun. I didn’t have a long term girlfriend for most of this period, so there wasn’t a lot of hanging out at my place. It was a place to end up.

I would find myself back in the solitude of my apartment on Sunday nights, despite whatever fun and companionship I had experienced in the previous two days. I would often feel an empty, lonely sadness. So I referred to that familiar feeling as “The Sunday Night Bum Out”. When I shared that feeling and title for it with others, often they would look at me with surprise and say, “You get that too?”

I began to realize that it was a common experience. I attributed it to a number of factors. A few too many beers, fatigue, and the circumstantial factors of lack of companionship, and maybe some shame and guilt were all possible contributors. By acknowledging it as a common, familiar and predictable occurrence, it loosened its grip on my outlook. I didn’t hold onto those thoughts as if they were a “truth”, just because they were there often. So I didn’t develop a belief that, “My life is sad and lonely.”

I could just get that on Sunday nights, I FEEL sad and lonely. The thoughts were just thoughts. The thoughts weren’t me and weren’t the truth about my life. I could distinguish them as, “There are those thoughts.” as opposed to having an unconscious belief that, “This is how life is.”

So I started my response to you tonight by first acknowledging you for your emotional maturity for realizing that you experienced this feeling on Sunday nights. I acknowledged you, because for a lot of people three times your age, they don’t realize that is even going on. And for many that do, they don’t have the courage to discuss it and take a look at it to try to figure it out. So I reminded you that she had a really fun weekend with your good friends up there, Jude and Harper, a twin boy and girl who are sweet and fun and just love you. You went to a trampoline place, played putt putt, went to Applebees and had some ice cream, followed by a sleepover at your mom’s  house,  where you all stayed up laughing and playing until Midnight on Saturday. Never a dull moment. You said that you guessed that you were sad that it was over. You said you missed me, too.

I then said that its understandable to be sad that the fun had to stop, but for anyone to be happy in life, they have to be grateful for the fun they have rather than sad that the fun had to stop. While I didn’t want to get into comparisons with you at that age, I did say, “There are so many kids who don’t get to experience all the things that you do. You have GREAT friends where you live now, and here in Orlando. So you get to have fun and be around people who love you wherever you go. Not everyone gets that. Whenever I have you for a visit, I purposefully ask you, “What was your favorite part of the day, week, vacation?” I want you to think about everything you had done, so that the memories are vivid again and the memories will last over time. I also want you to be present to what made you happy, so that you end that day, week, vacation with happy memories of that.

I told you about the term, “The Sunday Night Bum Out” and that you weren’t alone in those sad thoughts on Sunday night.  So I said that you could choose to be sad that the fun had to stop, or you could choose to be happy for all the fun you had. One way makes you sad, the other makes you happy. Which way do you want to choose? You sheepishly chuckled and said “Happy.” I said, “ED ZACHARY!”, our cheerful term for an obvious answer.

I encouraged you to write down your thoughts when you are sad. I wanted you to think about what is making you sad. There could be actual things that are going on for which it is valuable for you to write what happened and what you are making it mean and how it is making you feel. I thanked you for sharing it with me and told you that whatever is bothering you, that you can always talk to me about it. I then asked you to tell me what you got out of the conversation.

You said, “When I’m sad, I should think about what is making me sad. And it’s good to think about all the fun things that I did and remember those and be happy for those.” I told you how proud of you I was, and how impressed I am by your intelligence and maturity. We finished with some laughs and love was present. As I write this, I am realizing more and more that in this challenging set of circumstances in which we have been mired in the last few years, that patience and love win the day. While I may not be able to be there physically for you, every day, I presence love and patience whenever I talk to you.

I am always there for you, in any way that you need. I make sure you know that you are so important and that your happiness is so important to me.

We are making lots of lemonade out of the lemons we have encountered.  Not a lot of girls get that time to talk to their daddy every night, and I make sure that we use the time well.  We also promised each other that when you do live with me, we will do our absolute best to try to have thirty minutes of uninterrupted time with each other every day.

August 11th,  2017.  It was a Friday night, and I had made you dinner and I was cleaning up in the kitchen afterwards. You were in the living room watching a little TV.  You came into the kitchen and had a troubled look on your face. That was uncharacteristic of you. I asked you what the matter was. You said, “I just don’t know….if I’m going to have a happy life.”

Well, thanks to the seminars that I would go to, I didn’t panic at that statement. For a lot of parents, they would think that it was a crisis that a young kid would have that thought. In my head, I just said, “Nothing is wrong here. Enrollment is missing.” Meaning, there is nothing to panic about. I just need to have a conversation with you that leaves you touched, moved and inspired about your life. So I said, “Hang on a second…” I quickly finished what I was doing and sat you on my lap in the living room. I turned off the TV and asked you why you felt that way.  You couldn’t really articulate it. You couldn’t tell me why you didn’t think you would have a happy life. I attributed it to a phase.

So I said to you, “Well, when I look at your life, I don’t see any reason why you would not have an AWESOME life!  You have a mommy that loves you, a daddy that loves you, a Sissy that loves you. You have grandparents who love you, cousins, all sorts of friends who love you. So many people that love you. You’re smart you’re funny and you’re very lucky. Because you were born beautiful. And that really helps you in life. It doesn’t make you any better or any worse than anyone. It just makes you lucky. So when I see your life, I see you have EVERYTHING you need to have a great,  happy life. But you know, you have to have a role in determining whether you have a happy life or not.”

“There are three types of people in the world. You have to determine what type you are going to be. 1.) There are Slackers. Slackers are complainers who think that their life should be different, and they don’t really do anything about it. They think life should be the way they want it to be, without any effort.  In their mind, they DESERVE a great life. These people usually aren’t very happy. 2.) There are Survivors. Life is sometimes great, and sometimes not. Sometimes they try hard, and they get what they want and life is great. Then there are times where they don’t try. They could be afraid. They don’t want to fail because they think it will be embarrassing.  So they have some great moments and some OK moments and they have moments that don’t make them happy, like everyone. 3.) Then there are Slayers. Slayers (I couldn’t think of a better S word on the fly…) figure out what they really want and what makes them happy, and they go for it. They fail sometimes,  but keep going. They don’t wait for life to happen, they bring life to themselves.  They create their life. If they want to be an artist or a gymnast, they go for it and they don’t stop. So even when they don’t get the results they want, they are still doing what they love.

Since August 13, 2017, you have lived in Port Saint Joe, FL, 326 miles from me in Orlando, where you were born and lived for six and a half years.  I miss you so much, every day.  I miss everything about you.  I miss being your dad.  I miss cooking for you and making your meals for you. I liked trying to make sure that you got the right food to eat, with a good mix of protein, green vegetables and carbohydrates. I tried to make it healthy, yet keep it something that you would like.  To me, it was important that you started with a good nutritional foundation, for the healthy growth of your brain and body.

I miss going to restaurants with you.  I miss going to Target and to Publix with you.  Everything we did together was fun, so I tried to take you everywhere with me.  I even made some golf courses angry, because I would bring you to work with me, but I wanted you to see what I did for my job and I wanted people to see you.  I was so proud of you and so proud to be your dad.

I’ve missed the fun of just spending time with you, no matter what we did.  I like our current activity of mentally going over our visits and remembering what we did every day.

One of the best things I did when you were a toddler was to create a Youtube Channel where I could take video files of you doing ridiculously cute things and I could then send an email to your grandmothers and great-grandmother so they could watch you grow up.  They all loved it.  I always tried to send pictures and videos of you to them regularly.  I have shown you the videos over and over, and I love looking at them over and over, myself.  It just reminds me of how much fun I had with you as you grew.

Facebook allows me to reminisce of all the places we have been and all the fun we have had together.  I cannot help but smile, whenever I look at a collection of pictures or videos of you.

You have always been a happy, playful, sweet girl.  Your smile lights up a room and your striking dark hair and eyes and beautiful face would instantly have people drawn to you.  So you got plenty of attention wherever we went and you were sweet to those who played with you, young and old.

You were born with an AMAZING head of black hair, that has turned lighter as the years go on.  We joked that you were the daughter of Elvis Presley, a popular singer from the 1950’s who was famous for his big head of hair.

Your sister Rian is the BEST sister you can ever have, and she played with you and loved you so much.  She did so much for you when you were little, that you probably don’t remember.

This was the age where we used to walk down Washington Street, past what used to be Graffiti Junxtion, past Mr. Jay’s hair salon, past Dexter’s and past what used to be Wildside, for most of the time you lived there.  Now Graffiti has moved into where Wildside was.  We’ve eaten there a few times, but when you were a toddler, we had many grilled cheese and french fried meals at the original location.  We would usually end up there after going to your FAVORITE place, the Lake Eola Playground.

I always loved watching you play there.  I loved watching you interact with other kids.  You have always been very social, very sociable.  You always look to find and meet new friends.  Most of the time you do find new friends who instantly like you, because you are sweet, fun, respectful and positive.  You don’t bring up things that would make people sad.  You were there to have fun!  Make up games and stories and run around!  It’s a playground!  Let’s play!  Sometimes, you would try to be friends with two girls who knew each other.  They would be in their own world and you wanted to play with them.  So you wouldn’t get included in their world and you would be disappointed.  But you and I would talk through it and realize that they weren’t being mean, they didn’t dislike you, they were just like you and Jade or you and Sharli when you played together.  They were busy “betending” (pretending) and they just didn’t know you.  You handled it very well and went on to finding another new friend.

I always made sure that you spent time with friends and family, as much as possible. I wanted you to know my mom, Grandma Kitty, and I wanted her to know you as well.  So I have done whatever I can to get you to Cleveland for Christmas every year and at least one time during the Summer, so you can see my family and your cousins, Owen, Grace and Quin.

Everyone in Cleveland loves you so much and they love to spend time with you.  Your Cousin Owen is your FAVORITE and he loves you so much.  You and Grace and Quin have had fun making art and playing games.  They are always happy to talk to you and see you.  Grandpa Fred, “Grandpa Santa” loves to see you whenever you are in town.  Grandma Kitty loves to travel here to see you, too.

When your cousins, Jade and Eden, and Aunt Ashley and Uncle Al lived in Orlando, I loved getting you all together.  Edie was pretty young, so you played with Jade and she just LOVED her older cousin McKenna and still does!  You would play together at their house in Orlando and you slept over there often.  Cousin time is the BEST!

So the first three months of your life were a nervous blur for me.  You amazing creatures do not come with an instruction manual and I had not a shred of exposure to a newborn.  Your Uncle Jeff, or “Jungle Jeff” as you called him when you were about 3 years old, had your cousins Owen, Grace and Quin when I lived away from Cleveland, in Cincinnati, five hours away.  So I only visited them at holidays and Summers.  I was never there for the diapers and the feeding.  Uncle Dan and Aunt Lori tried to have a baby, but they weren’t able to.   Uncle Terry and Aunt Nastia had cousin Tristan two years after you, so I had to learn on my own!

In your first three months, you had colic, which is a mysterious and nerve-wracking situation with babies. You cried loudly and for a long time, usually around 7PM at night.  As a daddy, I was SO nervous and anxious when you cried.  I just wanted to fix whatever was wrong, so you did not cry and I wanted to make sure you were happy and healthy.  I was so nervous and my mind would race and fear that there was something wrong.

Well, one smart thing to do when you have your first child is you talk to your friends who have healthy happy kids.  You get their advice.  The best advice I received was from Seliena Crampton, who said, “Babies cry.  Don’t worry about it.  It’s what they do.  And at three months, they become “Miracle Babies” and they stop crying and smile and laugh and it’s SO much better.”  She was SO right.  We fed you some stuff called “Colic Calm” every night around 7PM when you would start crying, and it worked pretty well.

One of the fears that I always had about being a daddy was a selfish one:  That I wouldn’t get any sleep.  But you were AMAZING!  Neither Mommy or I rolled around much when we slept, so we kept you in bed when we slept, right in between us.  Newborn babies wake up to be fed about every three hours.  Mommy was breastfeeding you, so you would wake up, she would roll over and feed you and you would go back to sleep.  You NEVER woke us up.  You were very healthy, and rarely sick.  I think when you were about four months old, we finally put you in a crib in your bedroom with Rian and it wasn’t a problem at all.  Sissy sleeps like a LOG! You almost have to yell to wake her up, so you never woke her up either.

You traveled with us a lot your first year.  Daddy would take you on business trips, and we would go to visit family.

You flew five times, to New York, Cleveland, Michigan, Los Angeles, Phoenix.  You traveled really well.  I learned that as a dad, your job is to be a sherpa!  Those are the guys on Mt. Everest who lead climbers on their journey.  They are in charge of carrying all the stuff.  It seemed like the smaller the kid, the more stuff we had to carry.  You had a changing bag with the diapers, a car seat, a stroller and more.  So Daddy would have to lug all that stuff from the car to the airport.  We had to maneuver it through the airport security and onto the plane.  We would “starve” you in the airport, and you would be really cranky and crying in the waiting area.  We did this on purpose, so that when we got on the plane, you would be nice and quiet.  When we got you on the plane, Mommy would feed you and you would be the best traveling baby EVER!  You were a traveling pro and as you got older, you were even more fun and had fewer and fewer things to take with us.  I always look forward to taking you to new places. I like to take you back to places you’ve been too, to see the people and relatives you’ve met.

This picture above was taken in Starbucks near Lake Eola, where I walked you hundreds of times.  This picture was first of many times where I looked at you and you were so beautiful that it took my breath away.  It was just a cell phone camera and it still showed how pretty you were from such a young age.  The pictures below show you the day you were born and shortly after.  You can see Moxie was right there!

So by trial and error, like most of my life, I am creating a blog to my daughter, McKenna Grady Galvin, who was born on my 49th birthday, April 5th, 2011.

You have been an amazing, joyful, sweet person from that very day.  You make being a parent look easy and effortless.  Whenever you come upon this anthology of our life together, I just want you to know how constantly you have been in my thoughts and what joy and meaning you have brought to my life.

Being your dad has been the best job I have ever had, and there hasn’t been a moment of being your dad that I haven’t loved.

So I am going to do what I had wanted to do since you were born, and chronicle your life in pictures and words.  I’ll post pictures and recollect everything I can about our life at that time, and continue up to the present and the future.

Sometimes the writing may be confusing, where I’m switching from talking to you, to talking about you.  I don’t know when you’ll see this, so I don’t know to what age I am writing this to you.  Regardless, this is about you, and how much I love you.   While you may not see me very often, you are constantly in my thoughts.